'Nobody said life would be easy'

Apathy (noun): 1: lack of feeling or emotion: impassiveness. 2: lack of interest or concern: indifference.

I don't understand apathy. I don't get not feeling emotions -- though I could see how someone might confuse states I have been in in the past as being in a state of apathy. I don't think I was though.

At points in my past, sometimes extended periods at a time, I lived in a state of self-induced numbness. Sometimes, what you feel can be so overwhelming that you aren't prepared, don't know how to deal with it. It was easier to just shut down the systems.

This isn't a path I recommend. Nothing good happens by avoiding tough feelings (or any feelings, really). I would say as many mistakes in my life came from this inaction as from any direct, conscious actions I have taken.

These days, I am trying to do things differently. I am trying to work through my emotions, good and bad. And sometimes that means I'm kind of a mess, for no good reason, other than a lot of this dealing-with-the-feelings stuff is such new territory for me.

I am often easily frustrated by my youngest daughter's persistent questions and whining. I am irritated by my teen daughters' bickering and sarcastic attitudes. I cried last week while curling my hair, listening to an Irish folk song about the mystery of a soldier's grave. My breath is taken away by expanses of orange and yellow wild flowers I see as I drive home from work. A familiar fragrance can take me back years or decades to another time. Holidays have been especially hard these past 13 months.

I am sometimes sad about certain realities of where I find myself at this point in my life. But there is also satisfaction at how far I've come, goals I've achieved. I wouldn't be where I am today without these same people who irritate and frustrate me. Because they also love and support me, and give me great joy.

On this journey, I've made incredible new friends -- friends who are teaching me how to laugh, and relax and have fun. And most of all, they are teaching me to look at myself in new ways. And to care enough about every minute to keep trying.

Now perhaps one of the hardest things for me to deal with in another person is apathy. How can you not care, not feel? How can you be indifferent to what you are doing or how your actions impact the people who love you?

Have you given up on your dreams because they didn't turn out like you thought they would? Are you unable to find peace within yourself for reasons that you just can't explain to others? Does it all just seem too hard? Try to explain it -- because it just doesn't always make sense. Maybe if you can explain it to someone else, it will help you sort it out in your own mind.

I've watched people in my life -- people who had options and opportunities I would have killed for -- make decisions that make no sense to me. It almost seems like they just don't care. I want them to try harder to articulate their motivations -- not for my benefit, but for their own.

I know sometimes I haven't understood why I've made choices that I've made. Maybe if someone had pushed me harder to examine my reasons, I would have come to different conclusions, which might have resulted in different actions on my part.

Feelings aren't easy things. Besides happiness, satisfaction and contentment, there is anger, sorrow, frustration, pain and grief. Life is messy and hard and uncomfortable sometimes. But if you give a damn about things, care about something, that makes it worth it. Not every minute -- but enough of them to balance things out.

Shutting down your systems, whether it's from apathy or numbness or depression, turns off the things that hurt, the things that make you crazy or angry and make you ache. But you can't shut those feelings out without also blocking out love and the people who want to help you in your life. If you build a wall inside yourself, then your family, friends and loved ones can't reach out to you. And everyone needs help to make it through this.

Yes, you have to learn to love yourself and trust yourself. But a big part of trusting yourself is making smart decisions and opening yourself to people who care about you, people you can trust, people with whom you feel safe enough to be yourself, even when being yourself means continuing to make mistakes. If you choose the right people, those mistakes won't turn out to be tragedies.

You can't keep out the unpleasant feelings without keeping all of the emotions out.

I showed an early version of this to a friend, who commented, "I kept waiting for you to say you wouldn't change a thing because you are finally at a happy spot."

But I can't say that -- yet. I'm not sure if you can ever really say that. "Happily ever after" is a fairy tale, isn't it?

Where I'm headed is a good place -- I know that -- and if I hadn't taken the steps I've taken in my life, the mistakes and the right moves, I wouldn't be where I am now, and I wouldn't have the people in my life that I have now. So my friend is right in that I wouldn't change a thing about how I got to where I am. But I'm not done getting where I need to be. Not completely. Not yet.

I copied the following quote from someone's Facebook profile. I have no idea who said it or wrote it. But it sums up my philosophy for now: "Life is too short to wake up with regrets... So love the people who treat you right... Pray for the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."