Fighting back against the darkness

Last time I wrote, a little more than a month ago, I wrote about a bad day I was having, in regard to my feelings. Bad day is probably putting it too mildly -- meltdown might be more accurate.

And it wasn't the last time that's happened recently. Which is probably why I haven't written in more than a month.

I struggle with depression. At times, I've taken medication for it. But for the past year and a half, I've been trying -- and mostly succeeding -- at dealing with it without prescription medications.

I think running has -- had -- really helped with that. Exercise helps prevent and improve a number of health problems. Research on anxiety, depression and exercise shows that the psychological and physical benefits of exercise can also help reduce anxiety and improve mood, according to an article on the Mayo Clinic website.

So when I was running regularly, it was easier to manage the depression. I trained last summer with Team in Training, preparing for the Nike Women's Half Marathon last October in San Francisco. After that, I trained on my own for my first full-marathon, the ING Georgia Marathon on March 21 in Atlanta.

In 2009, I ran about 550 miles, a new personal record for me. Training for Georgia, I was on pace to break 1,000 miles this year -- between Jan. 1 and March 21, I had ran just under 300 miles. But since March 21, I've only run 31.4 miles. So the depression? Yeah, it's back. But I'm still fighting it.

The reason I've slowed down, stopped for weeks at a time, is because I injured myself the night before my marathon, fell off a curb and sprained my ankle/foot walking to dinner. I ran my marathon anyway -- and I only missed my goal time by 10 minutes. But now I have to heal.

I thought it would only take a couple of weeks of rest for it to be better. After all, I'd run on a sprain before. But that time I only ran 5 miles on an injured ankle (other leg, not the same one), not 26.2. Almost three months later, after X-rays to make sure I didn't fracture anything, I have been going to physical therapy, trying to rebuild strength in my injured foot. It's harder than I thought it would be. Not the pain of the physical therapy necessarily, but the absence of my healthy antidepressant, my running.

Yesterday was another bad day. A friend helped talk me through it, telling me I need to do something in the meantime, something to get those endorphins flowing, to get me back out in the sunshine, which also helps mitigate depression naturally.

So this morning, I got out my bike again. I got my bicycle back into riding shape shortly after my injury. But I haven't ridden it as much as I could have been. Because it's not running, which for some masochistic reason is what I really want to be doing.

But it was nice. I pedaled toward the sun to the east, soaking up the warmth, the cool breeze on my skin. I listened to the sounds of the neighborhood -- birds, cars, cows, a peacock, construction workers. Being outside, you connect with the natural world, see, smell and hear the seasons changing.

I realized that by letting myself retreat into myself after my injury, I've missed many of nature's sweet spring fragrances this year -- the orange blossoms, the roses coming into bloom, the smell of dusty roads being hit by raindrops.

I went 5 miles. It wasn't as intense as a 5-mile run, or even as intense as a shorter run that would take the same amount of time it took me to ride that far. But it was exercise. It got my blood pumping. It's another way to help restrengthen my foot.

Later this morning, I had a physical therapy appointment. As frustrated as I've been with my progress, she said there's no reason yet to give up hope that running will again be a regular part of my life. Not even any reason yet to think that I won't be able to run the Two Cities Marathon this fall here in Fresno.

But no matter what happens with my foot, I have options. I have other tools to fight the depression. I am not a convert to cycling, thinking that it will fill that hole in my life where running used to be. But if I have to, I think I can accept it as a compromise.

And I have friends and loved ones who help me get through the darkest days. Let's not discount the power of that against depression.